


Everything I Do, I Do It For You

by dinglepotter



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-09-23 09:36:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9649922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dinglepotter/pseuds/dinglepotter
Summary: He knew when the time came, he wouldn't hesitate with his decision.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by an idea that @sugdensquad on tumblr posted a while back and it inspired me to write a fic. I hope you enjoy!

He knew as soon as the time came he would do it. Without a doubt. No one could change his mind. Not even Aaron. Least of all Aaron. He’d already discussed it with Chas, after she caught him crying in the back room one evening. He’d had a meeting, Aaron assumed it was a work meeting but he couldn’t of been more wrong. Him and Chas we’re far from the picture perfect Son and Mother in Law duo, but they both cared about each other, so when she saw him absolutely inconsolable she was by his side in an instant.

He brushed her off. “I’m fine” he said, them two words that he was using way too much as of late. She could see right through him and Chas being Chas, she didn’t give up and kept pushing until he gave in.

“I’ve been called” He managed to get out in between his sobs that just seemed to take over him.

“What do you mean, you’ve been called?” She looked at him confused for a moment and then he saw the realisation spread across her face. “Oh Rob- please. Please say you’re lying”

“You know I wouldn’t lie about something like this Chas” He doesn’t know when she has started doing it but he suddenly felt her running circles on his back. Which in all honesty, made him feel worse.

“I suppose I don’t need to ask what you’ve decided?" Robert tried to speak, but he couldn't. It was like his throat was closing up and he couldn’t breathe. He shook his head. "You know I'd do anything for him. Anything. And I knew when the time came I wouldn't even hesitate" God, why was it so much harder telling the mother of the person you loved more than anything that you was giving him up. He couldn’t see anymore, his eyes brimming with tears. "Chas, you've got to promise me something. When I tell him-" He suddenly realised this was the hardest thing he’s ever and will have to do. He didn't think he could do it. No. He couldn’t. He couldn’t do this. Why did he say he would? They don’t approach everyone. Only 1 in every million people was approached. He hoped he’d be lucky. Hoped they’d be lucky. But whenever has luck been on their side? I suppose karma was coming back to bite him. All the things he’d done, all the things he’d said and done to Aaron. They was bound to catch up with him someday. He just didn’t think it would be this painful.  "When I tell him everything, I want you to be there. And when the time comes, you've got to hold him back okay? He can't- he can't follow me where I'm going okay?” He choose that moment to look up at Chas and her face told him everything. “Chas look I’m-”

“Don’t you say you’re sorry! How can you be sorry? How can you say love Aaron when you’re going to break his heart?” Her face had that usual anger to it when she was angry and instead of scaring him, it hurt. God, it hurt so much. Chas not understanding why he was doing this was the final straw. It’s like all the breathe was forced out of his lungs and he suddenly couldn’t breathe. 

“Chas-” He loosened his tie and undid his top button, ripping off his jacket in the process, but it didn’t do anything. It only made him panic more. Everything kept playing on repeat in his head. He was giving Aaron up and it pained him, it was an indescribable pain but all he’s ever wanted was for Aaron to be happy. He hopes one day Aaron will forgive him and understand why he did it. "I need- Aaron" He was drawn out of his thoughts by someone putting their hands on his face. He’d recognise those hands anywhere. Aaron. His Aaron. He could hear Aaron talking, could see him talking but it was just mumbling in his ears, he couldn’t workout what was being said. He felt Aaron place his hand on his chest and he slowly came to, his breathing evening out and he could faintly hear Aaron telling him that he was doing well. How could he praise him when unbeknown to Aaron, in a couple of days Aaron was going to hate Robert? 

“Hey, I’m here. Just keep looking at me. You’re fine. You’re in the back room. It’s just me and you. Like you always wanted” That earned a light chuckle and it must of soothed Aaron’s worries because Robert saw his face relax slightly. He knew Aaron so well. He was going to miss him so much.

“Just stay with me for a bit?” He hated being vulnerable, especially in front of Aaron. He was supposed to be the strong one, the one Aaron relied on. 

“You don’t even need to ask”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the first chapter was very confusing for some and this next chapter maybe even more confusing, but trust me you'll all know what's happening sooner or later!

_When he arrived at the meeting and told them his answer, they looked shocked at how sure he was. “Are you sure you don’t want to think about this Sir?” They looked at him like he was fragile and he didn’t want that, that he didn’t want sympathy. This was the best thing for Aaron. It would tear him apart but Aaron’s needs come first. “You have a week before we need the final dec-” “No. I’ve made decision. This is the best thing for him” They nodded their heads and wrote on their notepads, he could tell they was unsure whether they should take his decision seriously as other people usually came back after the week is up, after they’ve thought carefully about their decision. “Well if you’re sure?” “Yes, I’m sure” “You will be called this Sunday at 12 o'clock. You have a couple of days to prepare and gather your things that you want to take with you. You will need to go to Highfield Close and that is were you will transport" He scoffs. How can he prepare to say goodbye to the person he loves most. He hasn’t even planned how he’s going to tell Aaron. How can he tell Aaron? God- Aaron’s going to hate him for this. He mutters his thanks and picks up the leaflets they always hand out to those who have decided to pass on. As soon as he gets outside his puts the leaflets in the nearest bin, gets in his car and let’s the tears flow._

* * *

He wakes up in their bed, the covers tucked right up to his neck. He felt warm and safe. And then he remembered what happened last night. How he had a panic attack in front of Chas, in front of _Aaron_. The man he was supposed to be strong for. The shame washed over him and waves and he buried himself further under the duvet.

“You’ve nothing to feel guilty about Robert. Nothing” Aaron suddenly came into Robert’s view, pulling the duvet down away from his face. “And you’re not weak. Far from it. You’ve seen my have countless panic attack and you’ve not once called me weak”

“Because you’re not”

“Well neither are you. So come on, out of bed, go and have a shower and I’ll have coffee waiting for you downstairs” Once Aaron was out of the room, Robert sighed. He’d miss this. He’d miss Aaron making a fuss of him sometimes, Aaron making coffee even when Robert didn’t ask him to.

Aaron was right. The shower made him feel a little better and a bit more awake. His coffee was there waiting for him on the table and when he took a sip, it felt the coffee coursing through his blood. Just what he needed to keep a level head.

“So, are you going to tell me what made you have a panic attack last night?” He looked up to see Aaron coming from the direction of the bar, scoffing a packet of crisps.

“Why the hell are you eating crisp at 10 o'clock in the morning?”

“I’m hungry and oi! Don’t dodge my question”

“I will, just not yet yeah?” Aaron seemed to accept his answer and went straight to the kitchen, putting the kettle on. Tomorrow was the day everything would change. God he sounded like one of those soppy romance novel. He wishes this was a romance novel, at least then there would be a happy ending. He had to tell him soon. He’d tell tonight. He would. He had no choice anyway.

“I hope you’ve no plans because I’m taking you out for dinner. Just somewhere in Hotten, so don’t worry, it’ll be right up your street” The smile that appeared on Aaron’s face is just what Robert needed and wanted to see. He couldn’t help but smile himself. He hoped with everything that he had that he would see that smile again. Someday. One day.

Robert loves it when him and Aaron go out somewhere were their faces aren’t recognised, it means they can let go a little. And not feel like eyes are all directly at them. It’s the only time Aaron will grab his hand while talking down the street and that alone puts a smile on his face. They spend a couple of hours in Hotten, looking at things for The Mill. Aaron would never admit to it but he becomes quite giddy looking at the little bits of furniture and nick knacks they spot and insisting they hire a van next time to bring some of the furniture home with them. Robert can't help but smile, wishing this was something he had to look forward too. Wishing that him and Aaron had the delight of adding the last final touches to The Mill. His conversation that he needs to have with Aaron later this evening looms over his happy little bubble. And if Aaron notices, he doesn’t mention it, which for Robert is very grateful for.


	3. Chapter 3.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lack of updates. I tend to think of new fic ideas and forget to update the ones I've already updated. It will all be clear as to what's happening soon :)

They went to a little café for dinner. Nothing fancy, just something simple, something Aaron. Robert knew he'd made the right choice as when they sat down, Aaron let out a deep breath, he probably didn't think Robert would hear. The café was similar to Bob's, it was like home and comfort all rolled into one. He wouldn't cry. He couldn't cry. He'll be strong until he had left and then he would break down.

* * *

 

Robert hadn't slept at all last night and Aaron had picked up on it. Noticed the black bags starting to form under his eyes, letting everyone know he hadn't slept. The way Aaron looked at him, god it broke his heart. He was never going to see that face again after today. He tried to memorise it, but he knew he was making Aaron worry even more. He remembered telling Chas to be there when it happened. He hoped she remembered. It doesn't fee like 5 minutes since him and Aaron came down for breakfast, Aaron squeezing his arm in comfort, letting him know that Aaron was there before the door opens and Chas is there. It takes his breath away and he stands up and he loses his balance. Aaron catches him and pleads with him to tell what is wrong. How can- He can't do this. He looks at Chas and notices she hasn't slept either. She has that straight lipped face look on her, the one she uses when she doesn't want anyone knowing how she's feeling. Robert knows that face now though. He knows it very well. It's the face that is pretending to be strong but is breaking inside. Cain suddenly appears in the room and he knows Chas has asked Cain for help, he knows that Chas wouldn't of been able to restrain Aaron on her own. Aaron looks so confused. He looks scared and sad and it breaks Robert's heart that little bit more. He knows before he goes that is heart will be completely shattered. He manages to smile at Aaron and he must ask him to sit down because Aaron warily sits down on one of the chairs at the table, looking at Robert with more confusion. He takes a deep breath and prepares himself to break Aaron's heart and to break his own.

"Have-" He clears his throat, his throat seems to be closing in on it's self but he can't break now, not yet. "Have you heard of The Choice?"

“You’re joking right? This has got to be joke. I mean it’s a sick joke, but I’ll find the humour in a couple of weeks” Aaron laughs, but Robert knows he’s hiding his frustration. He thinks Robert is lying. He wishes he was.

“No- urm, I’m not lying” He can’t see anymore, tears blocking his vision. He blinks and the tears fall down his face and he can see. He almost wishes he couldn’t. If it meant he never saw Aaron’s reaction to what he’d just said. He was stupid asking Aaron if he knew what The Choice was, as soon as you was 10 years old, you was told of The Choice and the sacrifice some people were willing to make.

“Aaron, you have to know, I had to. I had no choi-”

“You did have a choice!! You always had a choice. You came to the decision yourself. They didn’t force you. You could of said no!” He was angry. He knew he would be. He just didn’t realise how painful it would be to witness.

“Yes I could of said no, but that would of been selfish of me! You deserve to be happy and I’m giving you the chance to be!” 

“Well that’s never stopped you before? Robert Sugden is known for being selfish” He knows Aaron is lashing out, lets the comment wash over him. He wouldn’t of said that if they wasn’t in this situation. He looks at his watch and realises so much time has passed already.

“We’ve got 15 minutes before I need to go”

“Robert- please, don’t do this. You don’t- look you can change your mind. You don’t have to go, please. Please don’t go” Aaron is begging now and Aaron never begs. Never opens himself up like this in front of other family members. Robert has seen Aaron like this before, late at night when he’s woken from another nightmare and Aaron begs Robert to make it go away, to make it better. But he never lets the rest of his family see him like this. Robert suddenly realises this may have been a bad idea, if Aaron is being this emotionally raw in front of his mum, in front of Cain. He rushes towards Aaron and pulls him in, wraps his arms around him, buries his head into Aaron’s neck. It’s the hug that makes Aaron feel safe, loved and wanted. Aaron hugs him back, practically choking him but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t know where his arms end and Aaron’s begin. He keeps squeezing his arms around him, not wanting to forget how he feels, how he smells, how he loves. He pulls away and he just kisses him. He doesn’t care than his mother and uncle in law are watching, he just needs to feel Aaron. Needs to commit Aaron’s lips to memory. Because this is the only thing that will keep him going when he passes. He can feel both their tears mix in with the kiss and he would laugh but he doesn’t think he has the energy to laugh. He reluctantly pulls away and rests his forehead against Aaron’s. His mind flicks back to the wedding, to the day when Aaron was sentenced, where they did this exact thing and he wishes they could rewind time. Enjoy those moments that little bit more. 

“I love you” 

“I love you. But if you loved me, you wouldn’t do this”

“I’m doing this because I love you” 

Robert pulls away, but not before he kisses Aaron’s forehead. He steps away and see’s Aaron grab for him, knowing this is it. This is time to say goodbye. 

“Cain” Robert’s voice is weak but he manages to say Cain’s name and Cain lunges forward and wraps his arms around Aaron’s, restraining him and stopping him from running at Robert. 

“Cain, let me go!! Cain I swear to god-” Robert stood there, he couldn’t find it in himself to move. His legs routed to the floor. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from Aaron’s face. His face was red from all the crying, his eyes already puffing up from all the tears. Robert felt like he was choking. This was all his doing. This is why he made this decision. This is how much pain he causes for Aaron. He’ll be much happier without me he tells himself, forces himself to believe it.

“I’ve left you a letter for you to open when I’ve left. It tells you everything. Everything I know I wouldn’t be able to tell you when I saw your face. I hope one day you understand why I came to this decision and I hope one day you find it in yourself to forgive me” He finds some energy to smile and nod, like that would make everything better. He looks up and see’s Chas is holding his bag in her hand, outstretched for him to take off her. He takes it and she grabs hold of him, pulls him into a hug and he feels like he’s being hugged by a mum. Like Sarah. And he swears he can feel the last piece of his heart shatter. 

“Take care of yourself okay? I know you’re doing this for our Aaron but make sure you look after yourself as well” She lets go and he forces himself not to look round as he goes to the back door. He can hear Aaron screaming his name, his voice cracking multiple times. He won’t look around. He won’t have the last memory of Aaron of him looking broken. He’ll remember him, happy and content. Like he did on their wedding day. Their wedding day. It seems to far away now. He shuts the door behind him and he can hear the door being locked behind him and he can still hear Aaron’s screams. He loves him. That’s why he’s doing this. He loves Aaron and this is why he’s doing this.

* * *

He gets to Highfield Close and he see’s the woman from the meeting standing there, clipboard in hand. She looks like a saleswoman to anyone else. To Robert, she’s the person who ruined his life but also who gave Aaron a chance at a happy life. 

“Ready to go Mr. Sugden?”

“Yeah” He wasn’t. But there was no point in telling her that. She wouldn’t care. Wouldn’t change the situation. He couldn’t back out now. He’d chosen this and now he had to go through with it. It was all for Aaron. It always was.


End file.
